Monday, June 11, 2012

Endless Secret -- Cat's Eye FanFic


The endless space of a color that only appears to be blue. My eyes wonder aimlessly, staring at the details of the airplane. To my right, a hibernating man oblivious to the shouting and screaming of the passengers. The weeping of the women and children deemed the weaker specimen, file into a mob and exit to the front of the plane. They will be spared. After all, my friends are extremists of peace.

I am hurled onto the ground of the business class, warm from the frantic footsteps of the terrified people. Everyone remaining is told to “get down!”

They are not terrorists. They are not hijackers in my head. The familiar looking comrades simply completing a task crucial to the research I was a part of just yesterday. This is what they believe in. If speaking my opinion about the science I uncovered was a crime, then I would be criminal as well: a person without the right of forgiveness. Instead, I am to be a forgotten marble, buried under the bridge of the living. Unaware of my tendency to exist.

My colleagues in search of their own definition of “just” are now looking through my clothes for an electronic, my baggage for a clue, my seating area for an answer. The words that I was to present on to the scientific community are now scattered onto the ground. Those are not the papers they want. The wingless butterflies fall on top of a few nameless, faceless victims. But I am not a victim. I am the target.  The reason. The unwanted broken glass in the bottle of prized marbles.
I feel like an onlooker until an acquaintance picks me up off the ground.

“I’m sorry, Stephen.”

My research and speculations are unwanted. I am a danger. To the lives of the passengers who have the misfortune of sharing their plane with me. So I stand up and run. I won’t get far. It’s simply my distraction. Unlike the secret of the universe, which will spill onto the Earth eventually, the action of defiance belongs to me.  I open the painted door of the airplane that leads to a space without humans; the air without breathe. The coldness bites into my eyes shocked open far too wide. I close my eyes.

The men know they are after me and silencing my work. They know they must mimic the actions of a hijacking. They know the value of life. Better than anyone else.

To those people, I am only a common marble. Just like the marbles I found on the playground discarded by other children because they were cracked. I hid them in the center of the jars of puries and water babies and cat’s eyes. Even broken marbles deserve to belong somewhere.

I hear the ringing of the trigger and cracking of the finger and the silent whisper of goodbye. The aqua particles of water await my blood and bones; the moisture will be my resting place.

I fly.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Dear ____ ,

She really wants to find a way to convince herself that fighting for the attention of that person is useless. He's not just nice to her. He's nice to everybody. It's just another one of those crushes she had.

"I'll follow with my eyes and never confess to you."

"I would anything you wanted asked of me, but never appear willing."

"I can love you more than anyone else you've dated before, because I know your personality inside out and you're the only person I can talk to."


She really wants to hit herself for believing they could ever be together, even for a second. It's not the racial problem. It's not a problem of class. Compatibility isn't the problem either.

The problem is the first move. The words no one is willing to speak.


She really wants to forget herself in a hopeful fantasy where she can "the one" he chases after, "the girl" he would do anything for.

She really wants to be herself around him, but there's a wall she built a long time ago to protect her heart. It's too strong. There are small dust fragments that crumbles in front of him, but his not really capable of understanding her pain and her trauma. He sees the world in black and white. He's against superficial appearances, false words, broken promises, ill-intentioned actions; everything which she has frequently done in her mis-guided journey. And he's simple enough that he'll never ask how her became so closed off. Yet, he's the closest person to her at the moment.

Their perspectives are so different it's like they're not apart of the same world. But the lack of attachment allows her to say anything in front of him, because he wouldn't repeat it. The reason being his kindness and loving nature, or the certain indifference of his friends, she wouldn't know.


She really wants to wake herself up from this unrealistic nightmare. She rarely speaks to him in person, so the only interaction they really have in social media. 

"Maybe I'm just an entertaining way to pass the time."

"Why won't you reply?!?"

"It's okay. I know you're busy. I'll wait for you to come back."


She really wants to move away from the feelings of suffocation. Unrequited love isn't happiness, right?

"I don't write your name down, because you deserve your privacy and I demand my secrecy."

"I don't write your name down, cuz every time I see your name my heart beats a little faster."

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Hiding Behind

Soft murmurs have quietly exploded into the air around my body
Fireworks illuminating the bitter frost of the cold winter
When I worry and fear my own complexion
PARALYZED passion

The nails that hold my floating bubbly fantasy
Catch the sparks from the cloudy sky
Doubts my rash decision of avoidance as a falling raindrop
PARALYZED passion

The reckless excuses for painting a void conversation
When I have important people and more important things
Flash through my conscience evicting no guilt
I'm paralyzed with raging passion
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I should talk to him, right?

"PARALYZED passion"

I shouldn't tell him about my feelings though.
He'll hate me.

"PARALYZED passion"

I would do just about anything if I could find the answer to my affection.
Or at least stop the tugging on my heart every time I see him.
He doesn't know I exist.

I'm paralyzed with a blind passion
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Painless anxiety chases down my dreams in the icy mornings
Trying to avoid the certain glance I always make
Since the emotions cannot be accepted and the hints are not acceptable
PARALYZED passion

Thursday, April 19, 2012

What I Don't Say

I bet you wish you knew what was going on in my strange little head. The words I want to say but don't have the strength to. There has a time when the tides seem to break me apart for being myself. For being a person. Or as close to it as I can get. It's not that I'm particularly difficult or pained. It's not like I hasn't been through all the ups and downs of the painful side of my life. It's not like that. There are just words I can't bear to say. Please, no more asking.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Feeling Unwanted

I always feel helpless when the world seems to be unjust, but it's not really my way I handle things around my life. I talk about them. I complain about them. Hell, I'd say I upset myself over the matter simply to prove how trivial it was in the first place. But it's not always about me. It's about other people. Life is about other people.What good am I, if I can only comfort myself? What good am I, if I can only save myself? I'll die from loneliness.

Still, the feeling of helplessness invades my mind more than I can remember.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Jazz Club

So I always go to this jazz club and they always give me a hard time on the style of the brass I like. But the way they play it... It's like the music isn't even hitting my world in a way. The world cannot tell me what I want to hear. It's not like the world is still spinning and it's not like I could care. It wasn't anything of use to me and I don't know if I care. But there's this starling noise humming through every single one of my thoughts and I can't understand what it means. The reasons behind the dull pounding haven't gotten me thinking or made a revelation. It's not the way it works for me. Music simply gives me a small escape form the rest of the world and it gives me a reason to look on the brighter side of things. The sound of the brass is what makes the symphony exciting and new. The jazz with a breezy feel and serious message gives me a reason to smile, or cry depending on the circumstances.

But the way they play it that jazz club... It's so FAKE. The tenor sax is playing, but the sound doesn't ring through the room in the same way. The alto sax is playing, but the sound isn't booming the room in the same way. The piano is playing, but the keys aren't producing the same quality of music, as the piano that's tuning in my dreams. The trumpet... The bass... The drums... It's not the same. None of it is. It's not the same music I once gave up my life for. It's not the same music I fell in love with. It's not the same music I listened to in my dreams.

How do I explain this? The jazz club in great for business, with it's new popular music selection and rowdy teenagers.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Heart's Over

He walked down the same alley way he did an hour ago, a month ago, a year ago. He sang here when he was drunk from the numerous successful expertise business meetings, desperate with a broken heart, high on drugs killing his life.

Yet, this time it was different. He stumbled around looking for a couple dollars of change on the ground so he could start saving for his next shot. Kevin needed hallucinogens to forget about the pain of mourning and escape the hopeless society he once called home. But drugs don’t ease the pain for very long, and when he couldn’t handle his broken heart any longer without contemplating suicide, he turned to drugs. Now, the drugs have turned on him and taken him into a dark abyss.

Kevin found himself lying on the ground of the alleyway, finally too tired from lack of sleep and proper nutrition.

As his job, friends, wealth and family one by one abandoned him, the musical melody that was stubborn and strong stayed with him. Giving him the inspiration and heart the write the most incredible songs, he still couldn’t pull his life together to continue his career as a singer - song writer. It was easier to stay in the alleyway, peddling money until he got enough for his next dose, his next prescription of medication for the wounds his dead wife left, anyways.

No one could heal those terrible slashes.

‘Why bother forgetting?’ he thought, ‘It’ll get better after I get. It’s the only way to freeze the images of the blood won’t stop flowing. It’s the only way to escape the reality where his wife killed herself from depression; a reality where he never noticed.’

“My heart won’t stop aching,” he said aloud, breathing heavily, on the verge of tears.

Like any other time when the hurting of his shattered heart became too much to bear and the next available hit of his narcotics seemed too far away to imagine, he sang.

The ocean of flooding hearts
Open up a hole to hide
The scattered parts
Of my love that has been shot from the inside.

The sea of lost emotion
Could not understand
My painful under-estimation
Of the King of Kings and the sovereign holy land.

The love he took away
The hope it stole from me
The nights that blend into day
Make me unable to believe

She’s really flown off to a better place, he finished in his head.

The applause should have startled him, but at that time at night, the roads and alleyways were not the most respectable place a person could be singing, and sudden noises were things he quickly adapted to. His life as a homeless man was an infinite amount of times less stressful than his musical career. But that might be due to his lack of reason to live. Death didn’t shock him. Blood didn’t startle him.

His wife had already abandoned his dimension, and the purpose of life was lost that moment.

The check for a thousand dollars that had been handed to him, however, shocked him to no end.

“Who are you?” Kevin demanded suspiciously, taking the check nevertheless. Only thinking about when the nearest bank would be open and how quickly he could rid of the heart ache, most of what the gentleman was saying was lost to the wind. The question was only a distraction so he could run away if the man offering him help was police.

Deciding to suddenly turn away from the man in front of him that was introducing himself, Kevin felt the other grab his arm. Tensing him muscles and getting ready to fight if needed, he found himself facing the second shock of the night.

“You can start over, you know.”

Kevin shook his head.

Life wasn’t that easy. A person can’t just wipe the footprints he imprinted onto the path, clean; can’t go back in time in prevent events; can’t deal with problems differently.

“A person’s heart can’t erase its memories and start over, you know.”