Summer is For FUN

I swear, being told education is never ending is one of the most unsettling things a student can experience. I'm at the point in life where I want to never hear anything unrelated to the actual process of living life. Knowing all the wonderful scientific facts and reading all the amazing English literature isn't going to improve my life, especially since my brain decides to forget all of the material the second I finish school anyways.

Like today when I couldn't even remember the words I read from the textbook a billion time the previous night.

UGH!

Dear ____ ,

She really wants to find a way to convince herself that fighting for the attention of that person is useless. He's not just nice to her. He's nice to everybody. It's just another one of those crushes she had.

"I'll follow with my eyes and never confess to you."

"I would anything you wanted asked of me, but never appear willing."

"I can love you more than anyone else you've dated before, because I know your personality inside out and you're the only person I can talk to."

She really wants to hit herself for believing they could ever be together, even for a second. It's not the racial problem. It's not a problem of class. Compatibility isn't the problem either.

The problem is the first move. The words no one is willing to speak.

She really wants to forget herself in a hopeful fantasy where she can "the one" he chases after, "the girl" he would do anything for.

She really wants to be herself around him, but there's a wall she built a long time ago to protect her heart. It's too strong. There are small dust fragments that crumbles in front of him, but his not really capable of understanding her pain and her trauma. He sees the world in black and white. He's against superficial appearances, false words, broken promises, ill-intentioned actions; everything which she has frequently done in her mis-guided journey. And he's simple enough that he'll never ask how her became so closed off. Yet, he's the closest person to her at the moment.

Their perspectives are so different it's like they're not apart of the same world. But the lack of attachment allows her to say anything in front of him, because he wouldn't repeat it. The reason being his kindness and loving nature, or the certain indifference of his friends, she wouldn't know.

She really wants to wake herself up from this unrealistic nightmare. She rarely speaks to him in person, so the only interaction they really have in social media. 

"Maybe I'm just an entertaining way to pass the time."

"Why won't you reply?!?"

"It's okay. I know you're busy. I'll wait for you to come back."

She really wants to move away from the feelings of suffocation. Unrequited love isn't happiness, right?

"I don't write your name down, because you deserve your privacy and I demand my secrecy."

"I don't write your name down, cuz every time I see your name my heart beats a little faster."

What I Don't Say

I bet you wish you knew what was going on in my strange little head. The words I want to say but don't have the strength to. There has a time when the tides seem to break me apart for being myself. For being a person. Or as close to it as I can get. It's not that I'm particularly difficult or pained. It's not like I hasn't been through all the ups and downs of the painful side of my life. It's not like that. There are just words I can't bear to say. Please, no more asking.

Feeling Unwanted

I always feel helpless when the world seems to be unjust, but it's not really my way I handle things around my life. I talk about them. I complain about them. Hell, I'd say I upset myself over the matter simply to prove how trivial it was in the first place. But it's not always about me. It's about other people. Life is about other people.What good am I, if I can only comfort myself? What good am I, if I can only save myself? I'll die from loneliness.

Still, the feeling of helplessness invades my mind more than I can remember.

Oh, Internet, How I Am Dependent On You!

Today, my Internet broke. Like 5 times. So I called technical support 5 times. And technical support was like, why the F*** is your Internet still broken....

And I’m like why the F*** are you so useless....

I pay a LOT of money for high speed Internet. A LOT of money....

So I have no way to actually post this online till my access to the World Wide Web is up and running, again. I will wait patiently while this STUPID thing takes another 5 millennium to work again. I am seriously thinking of throwing my modem into the wall and watching it break into pieces, because that spectacular show of flying plastic is more useful than my useless modem right now. Unfortunately, my modem belongs to Bell and I cannot afford such luxurious products during my time of despair.

Yes, I am severely pissed off and I have issues with my life right now. Since the only way I can communicate with the outside world in the comfort of my non-germaphobic-inducing space. Yes, I have issues. And while I am forced to type this on Microsoft Document, instead of www.blogger.com, I will complain. As the sound of the keyboard represents my anger, I will be screaming at more technicians to ensure that my frustration is thoroughly understood.

There are, however, very few things I can do to enjoy myself without my handy little icon to the web, which is why I am actually writing a legitimate blog posting today. I would even put in a picture demonstrating my needs, but, like I said, the Internet has gone on strike and I don’t know what to do.

As I leave my, now, worthless computer to do something important, like math homework, remember my pain, and think of the poor children who cannot afford computers.

Say the Words that Matter

I have to say it like I care. Like the world knows me and I'm important. Say like I can make a difference and influence the thinking of others. I want to say it confidently and I want to say it well. But really, honestly, there are words that should be left unsaid and words that are are best buried under the sand of unforgiving skin. Sometimes the stares are hardest to bear, but I can't seem to speak up and do something about it. Anything. If I said anything, it would be different. I have to say it with the effort I can't find right now. Say it. Say it like I care.

Focus

The problem of being able to focus for a long period of time when I need to always arises as a problem. There's always something else I could do and that something else is always something else I'd rather be doing. There's no help in the nature of procrastination and no saviour for me.

http://omegle.com/

It's strange. I had this three hour conversation with a random person and the feeling of connecting with someone is actually very bonding. We talk and we lie, but at the end of it, it took my mind off the things that was upsetting me and it was carefree. Everything was relaxing because I didn't have to think about the stressful things in my life and I could forget about the little issues that were bothering me. It's not that big of a deal, but I felt like a needed a place to vent out my anger on.

Like Any Other Day

I feel a little down today. I guess, for me, that means I'm just sick or ugly. Not both. If I was sick and ugly, I would be in bed enjoying the silence.

But right now, the silence is just cutting through my head the same way a hammer pounds into it after a night at the bar. I want the world to go away. But there's no where for them to go. I'm the one that's messed up.

Lost

Feeling lost today. Without a sense of direction, i seem to be wondering through the ever so slow moving hands of time. The grasp that seems to suffocate me. The fingers that know no mercy. The inescapable force of time.

Today's just fine

I feel like yelling at someone to see if he/she might take one second from their busy lives to see what's wrong with someone other than themselves. In a way, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. People always have better things to do. It's not like I would necessarily stop for a stranger on the streets either.

That makes me mad at myself.
Really.