Spirit of Giving

I met my angel at a New Years Party. It was a season of closing old doors and opening new ones. A new year was a time of endings and new beginnings. In the harsh, cold winter of Canada, I saw a haven of warmth in her pool of creamy brown eyes. It was a mash of feelings, somewhat along the lines of perfection and destruction. She was a blend of innocence and hatred. I felt myself walking towards her without the slightest hesitation, as I studied her eyes in the distance. The blunt pain seen in her eyes was beyond beautiful. I wanted to know the fallen angel for myself.

***

Mary had been blind seen a car accident on the edge of the highway. The car simply lost control and found itself being smashed to pieces by the oncoming truck. The impact of the crash, the sound of the shatter windows and the taste of blood from her raw bitten lips, she would never forget. It was the same accident that took the lives of her parents before she could remember what the light of the world looked like. She was too young to remember what kind of grief she was plagued by after the loss of her family and the guilt ate her alive. Mary longed to see the world again. Even if it was just a second, Mary needed to see the faces of her parents one more time. One more second of light. There was nothing she wasn't ready to give in order to peek at the photo of her once complete family.

Still, she was poor.

***

I thought I'd give myself a chance and I decided to approach her with a smile. My charm turned onto the maximum capacity and quickly overflowing, as I walked towards her. As my feet closed the distance between her and myself, my heart was flattering quicker and my cheeks were glower redder. I felt in love at first site in the season was giving.

As I made the effort to talk comfortably with her, the thought that ran through my mind was:
I have nothing to lose. 

***

As Christmas rolled around again, I was ready to give Mary the best Christmas present anyone had ever received. She would get the cornea transplant she was waiting for. She would get the miracle she had been praying for. My fallen angel would fly again.

I was right. Never had I seen such an ecstatic expression explode onto her face. As Mary jumped into my arms, I tighten my grip around her, as if to say I would never let go. Somewhere in my human heart, I didn't want her to be able to experience the light of the world. There was so much hatred, so much discrimination, so much jealous that her blindness gave her ignorance to.

As I collapsed onto the bed, I reached for the drawer and managed to put my latest health check up paper along with the rest of them; but the small motion took too much strength as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

***

I drove to the hospital that night. After carefully parking in the garage, I trudged my way in to cardiac client as I had done so many times before. It was routine. Yet, this time, my world was filled with an excepted kind of regret. Soon, my tears wouldn't stop.

As my doctor approached me, the donor card in hand, I wiped my liquid weakness away to evaporate into the abyss. There was a certain lady who had stolen my love. There was a certain divinity that needed wings to fly and I had the perfect, matching pair.

By New Year's Day, Mary would have her new beginning and I would have my closing. I would be able to rest in peace.

Like Any Other Day

I feel a little down today. I guess, for me, that means I'm just sick or ugly. Not both. If I was sick and ugly, I would be in bed enjoying the silence.

But right now, the silence is just cutting through my head the same way a hammer pounds into it after a night at the bar. I want the world to go away. But there's no where for them to go. I'm the one that's messed up.

It's Too Loud

There’s a blunt and violent idea streaming through the depths of my mind. The same way the water will not stop flowing no matter how calm the river, I cannot shake the thoughts that haunt my soul and shatters what little sanity I have left. I cannot tell where the intention began – exactly which part of my life went wrong. All I hear is a voice becoming unbearably loud. A whisper has become undeniably prominent. The control that locked a beast is loosening from the echoes of the sounds. I want to escape the resonance. Yet, there is no corner in this chamber for my sanity to hide.
***
“Killing spree in the downtown core”
***
There’s a bunch of men outside the glass door screaming something I cannot comprehend. When the movement strikes my eyes, there a compulsive need to pull the trigger that I do not have the power to ignore. I have already given into the temptation. So I shot into the direction of all the noise hoping to calm the people yelling at me in a disturbing tone of voice.
Eventually, everyone is silent again or perhaps I have lost my sense of hearing. I can see myself lying in a pool of scarlet red, but my eyes close before I can confirm anything. At least the beast is satisfied. It will be asleep for a while.
***
“Massacre ends in hospitalization of twenty-five victims. Killer is in hospitals with life threatening conditions.”

Past Words

Ghosts of past memories
Haunt my thoughts of day
Leave me restless at night
With delusions of words I could speak to make you stay

The rewind button is constantly
Being pressed in my head
Leave me broken with my choices
The wishes alternative paths I should have walked and words I left unsaid

Dimming by every passing second
My once powerful ray of light
Is now searching in a lifeless cave
For any glimmer of hope to break up the darkness that clouded my sight

Misleading, confusing, baffled and lost
Thoughts of you hurt my disarrayed heart
Until the need to run becomes overwhelming
Trapped in my own soul replaying the times before our romance of glass shattered apart

Lost

Feeling lost today. Without a sense of direction, i seem to be wondering through the ever so slow moving hands of time. The grasp that seems to suffocate me. The fingers that know no mercy. The inescapable force of time.

Today's just fine

I feel like yelling at someone to see if he/she might take one second from their busy lives to see what's wrong with someone other than themselves. In a way, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. People always have better things to do. It's not like I would necessarily stop for a stranger on the streets either.

That makes me mad at myself.
Really.

Small Things in Life

It's strange how much pleasure unexplained pleasure I get.
It's complicated how the joy overflows and suddenly jumping along with a sappy cartoon theme song doesn't seem stupid anymore.
It's intriguing how the smile magically appears on my face and soon I'm laughing without knowing why.
It's unusual the way my eyes light up and the sun is mysteriously able to penetrate the barrier of the curtains to brighten the room now.
It's astonishing when I find the perfect piece to connect my broken puzzle and I want to tell everyone on my street.
It's mind-blowing when the smallest things give me so much happiness
Makes me think insignificant the insignificant things really do make a difference
In my life

I

A small raindrop
Unnoticed by the busy people on the old streets with things to do and places to be
As a car splashes her into a puddle on a lawn
Not even the grass accepts her as she gradually blends in

A puddle of water
The citizens of a restless city hurry to attend meetings on time and find a faster way home
Since home is their relaxation
But she has no where to go as she is pushed around in the puddle
And an abundance of high heels and leather shoes carelessly step on her

They don't see the beauty water
Nor the power that one droplet possesses

She is only another easily conquered obstacle as the puddle gradually over flows onto the pavement
More people avoid her and walk elsewhere
She is only delaying them from catching the bus on time
No one sees that one droplet
No one cares

She cannot help but wonder why she has to be so insignificant
Why her single voice cannot draw the attention of a society that always has better things to do

And even when she's apart of a larger necessity
Everyone starts avoiding her like a rampant disease
Afraid
To get wet

No one ever knew how shallow the water really was.

She is Strong

She bears the labor of being homeless with a child due in the cold winters of December
A season of giving
her baby is not a blessing of new life
Instead her curse of poverty weighs down on her like never before
Too heavy to stand Crushing any hope of a better tomorrow
The cries of the newborn will be accompanied by her own salty tears the refuse to stop
No one to lean on
As snow falls and the world turns just the same
There will be nobody to witness this women
And her will to survive

Non-Reflective Mirror

Fragrant rose petals
Delicately drifting snowflakes
Dying the pure untainted water
Until a sea of scarlet
Cold beyond winter nights
Inviting with beauty of no comparison
As frost glazes over
Has become a crimson glass pond

Naturally

Seedlings must root where the wind blows

Nearby from a light breeze

Or

Miles away after a thunderstorm

Fate decides the path they travel

The mesmerizing dance of colourful lights

The flames that take prisoner

Or

The temptation of the spark

Illuminates the cold night

The water of the stream that drips into the sea

Floating ripples of forgotten

Or

Sweet union of home

Movement forever carefree

A Trapped

A game of sinister irony
For I was played a fool
To be the only one who knew not of the reality
And made to act a role too cruel

If I were the queen of spades
The he a wild cared of a joker
If I a helpless, newborn child
He, my manipulative murderer

I may not feel, still I am not corrupt
The sanity of the days are too quick to escape
I, the hunter
You, the bullet

I meant not to damn another to such fate
But alas, I was outplayed
By you, who knows not of mercy
Who has my will shattered beyond repair
And my freedom locked in an unbreakable cage

Now I must do what any trapped must

With no hope of winning
Yet I must play on

Maybe the chains will wear away when the game has been played

Elusion of Happiness - A Sonnet

My eyes unconsciously follow
Without reason or even a thought
Suddenly my throat's dry and it's hard to swallow
I'm frozen, glazing afar from my spot
Your laughing with your friends is musical
That longing I have to just hear every day
Like the sound blocks out anything rational
There's no escape from this feeling or running away
I've tried to be confident but the anticipation
Attempted to speak yet no words could form
Afraid? Scared? Worried of rejection?
A tornado of mixed emotion; an endless storm
      Everyone says love is a beautiful thing
      No one spoke of the pain it would be causing