Spirit of Giving

I met my angel at a New Years Party. It was a season of closing old doors and opening new ones. A new year was a time of endings and new beginnings. In the harsh, cold winter of Canada, I saw a haven of warmth in her pool of creamy brown eyes. It was a mash of feelings, somewhat along the lines of perfection and destruction. She was a blend of innocence and hatred. I felt myself walking towards her without the slightest hesitation, as I studied her eyes in the distance. The blunt pain seen in her eyes was beyond beautiful. I wanted to know the fallen angel for myself.

***

Mary had been blind seen a car accident on the edge of the highway. The car simply lost control and found itself being smashed to pieces by the oncoming truck. The impact of the crash, the sound of the shatter windows and the taste of blood from her raw bitten lips, she would never forget. It was the same accident that took the lives of her parents before she could remember what the light of the world looked like. She was too young to remember what kind of grief she was plagued by after the loss of her family and the guilt ate her alive. Mary longed to see the world again. Even if it was just a second, Mary needed to see the faces of her parents one more time. One more second of light. There was nothing she wasn't ready to give in order to peek at the photo of her once complete family.

Still, she was poor.

***

I thought I'd give myself a chance and I decided to approach her with a smile. My charm turned onto the maximum capacity and quickly overflowing, as I walked towards her. As my feet closed the distance between her and myself, my heart was flattering quicker and my cheeks were glower redder. I felt in love at first site in the season was giving.

As I made the effort to talk comfortably with her, the thought that ran through my mind was:
I have nothing to lose. 

***

As Christmas rolled around again, I was ready to give Mary the best Christmas present anyone had ever received. She would get the cornea transplant she was waiting for. She would get the miracle she had been praying for. My fallen angel would fly again.

I was right. Never had I seen such an ecstatic expression explode onto her face. As Mary jumped into my arms, I tighten my grip around her, as if to say I would never let go. Somewhere in my human heart, I didn't want her to be able to experience the light of the world. There was so much hatred, so much discrimination, so much jealous that her blindness gave her ignorance to.

As I collapsed onto the bed, I reached for the drawer and managed to put my latest health check up paper along with the rest of them; but the small motion took too much strength as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

***

I drove to the hospital that night. After carefully parking in the garage, I trudged my way in to cardiac client as I had done so many times before. It was routine. Yet, this time, my world was filled with an excepted kind of regret. Soon, my tears wouldn't stop.

As my doctor approached me, the donor card in hand, I wiped my liquid weakness away to evaporate into the abyss. There was a certain lady who had stolen my love. There was a certain divinity that needed wings to fly and I had the perfect, matching pair.

By New Year's Day, Mary would have her new beginning and I would have my closing. I would be able to rest in peace.

Like Any Other Day

I feel a little down today. I guess, for me, that means I'm just sick or ugly. Not both. If I was sick and ugly, I would be in bed enjoying the silence.

But right now, the silence is just cutting through my head the same way a hammer pounds into it after a night at the bar. I want the world to go away. But there's no where for them to go. I'm the one that's messed up.

It's Too Loud

There’s a blunt and violent idea streaming through the depths of my mind. The same way the water will not stop flowing no matter how calm the river, I cannot shake the thoughts that haunt my soul and shatters what little sanity I have left. I cannot tell where the intention began – exactly which part of my life went wrong. All I hear is a voice becoming unbearably loud. A whisper has become undeniably prominent. The control that locked a beast is loosening from the echoes of the sounds. I want to escape the resonance. Yet, there is no corner in this chamber for my sanity to hide.
***
“Killing spree in the downtown core”
***
There’s a bunch of men outside the glass door screaming something I cannot comprehend. When the movement strikes my eyes, there a compulsive need to pull the trigger that I do not have the power to ignore. I have already given into the temptation. So I shot into the direction of all the noise hoping to calm the people yelling at me in a disturbing tone of voice.
Eventually, everyone is silent again or perhaps I have lost my sense of hearing. I can see myself lying in a pool of scarlet red, but my eyes close before I can confirm anything. At least the beast is satisfied. It will be asleep for a while.
***
“Massacre ends in hospitalization of twenty-five victims. Killer is in hospitals with life threatening conditions.”

Past Words

Ghosts of past memories
Haunt my thoughts of day
Leave me restless at night
With delusions of words I could speak to make you stay

The rewind button is constantly
Being pressed in my head
Leave me broken with my choices
The wishes alternative paths I should have walked and words I left unsaid

Dimming by every passing second
My once powerful ray of light
Is now searching in a lifeless cave
For any glimmer of hope to break up the darkness that clouded my sight

Misleading, confusing, baffled and lost
Thoughts of you hurt my disarrayed heart
Until the need to run becomes overwhelming
Trapped in my own soul replaying the times before our romance of glass shattered apart

Lost

Feeling lost today. Without a sense of direction, i seem to be wondering through the ever so slow moving hands of time. The grasp that seems to suffocate me. The fingers that know no mercy. The inescapable force of time.

Today's just fine

I feel like yelling at someone to see if he/she might take one second from their busy lives to see what's wrong with someone other than themselves. In a way, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. People always have better things to do. It's not like I would necessarily stop for a stranger on the streets either.

That makes me mad at myself.
Really.

Small Things in Life

It's strange how much pleasure unexplained pleasure I get.
It's complicated how the joy overflows and suddenly jumping along with a sappy cartoon theme song doesn't seem stupid anymore.
It's intriguing how the smile magically appears on my face and soon I'm laughing without knowing why.
It's unusual the way my eyes light up and the sun is mysteriously able to penetrate the barrier of the curtains to brighten the room now.
It's astonishing when I find the perfect piece to connect my broken puzzle and I want to tell everyone on my street.
It's mind-blowing when the smallest things give me so much happiness
Makes me think insignificant the insignificant things really do make a difference
In my life